Beyond Blame: The Courage to Look Within

Conversations today often feel more polarised and reactive, focusing less on understanding and more on winning arguments. Social media is packed with strong opinions and quick judgments, creating an “us vs. them” mentality. This dynamic extends beyond digital spaces and can be seen in politics, workplaces, and personal relationships. But where has the balance gone? Why aren’t we more willing to seek understanding than to prove our points? A significant part of this issue is our tendency to blame external factors instead of looking within ourselves. It is easier to point fingers at toxic workplaces, difficult colleagues, or unfair systems than to ask, “What is my role in this?”

I know this from personal experience.

The Justification Trap

For a long time, I justified my frustrations and disappointments. Every setback had an excuse: a toxic work culture, office politics, backstabbing colleagues, or unreasonable expectations. I thought my stress and struggles were always due to something outside of me. While these factors were real, I failed to see that my biggest barrier was myself.

The Mirror Moment

Everything changed when I shifted my question from “Why is this happening to me?” to “What is this revealing about me?” I realised that while others’ behaviour often triggered me, the real issues lay in my own unresolved emotions and experiences.

At work, I frequently found myself reacting strongly to colleagues with narcissistic tendencies. But upon deeper reflection, I discovered these reactions mirrored a broader dissatisfaction in my life, particularly a need to feel heard and valued—a need I had long projected onto my husband. I realised these workplace challenges were not just isolated events but reflections of deeper patterns I had yet to address. Instead of leaving roles that triggered me, I needed to focus on building my inner resilience to navigate these challenges more effectively.

Similarly, my frustrations in my marriage were not solely about my husband. They stemmed from a broader struggle with people who prioritised themselves over others—a struggle deeply rooted in my upbringing. Growing up during apartheid, I often suppressed my emotions in environments where my voice was dismissed. My adult life echoed these suppressed patterns, both personally and

professionally. When I finally embraced and expressed my feelings, I broke free from victimhood and began to own my role in these dynamics. This awareness brought clarity, leading me to walk away from a 20-year marriage that no longer served either of us.

In business and leadership, this same lesson applies. How often do we blame our team members, organisational culture, or external market conditions for our frustrations? While these factors play a role, authentic leadership starts with recognising our own contributions to the challenges we face. I had unknowingly played a part in inflating my husband’s ego, just as leaders can contribute to toxic workplace cultures by enabling certain behaviours. Recognising these patterns allows for real change.

My triggers were tied to a deep desire for love and acceptance, rooted in early feelings of abandonment. This drove me to seek validation through achievement, leading to a relentless focus on performance rather than authentic connections. In leadership, this dynamic manifests when success is measured by external accolades rather than internal growth. But authentic leadership—both in life and business—requires a shift from external validation to internal confidence.

Why We Resist Looking Within

Many people, including myself at first, shy away from self-reflection because it is uncomfortable. It is much easier to maintain the mindset of “I’m right, they’re wrong” than to consider, “What if I have something to learn?”

Here are a few reasons why we struggle with this:

• Our ego protects our identity. When we see ourselves as victims or misunderstood, questioning that view feels threatening.

• Acknowledging our role in a situation means we may need to change, which can be scary. Blaming others allows us to avoid doing the inner work.

• It is simpler to label things as black and white—good or bad—than to sit with the discomfort of grey areas. However, real growth happens in these nuances.

Choosing Growth Over Blame

Shifting from blame to self-awareness does not mean ignoring real problems or tolerating injustice. It means taking responsibility for how we respond and grow from our challenges.

Here’s what helped me make this shift:

• Self-Reflection Over Reaction: Instead of blaming others immediately, I began to ask: “Why does this bother me so much? What belief is being triggered?”

• Radical Ownership: I focused on what I could change—my mindset, boundaries, emotional resilience, and communication.

• Seeking Understanding: Instead of assuming the worst about others, I started asking: “What might be driving their behaviour? What’s their story?”

• Letting Go of the Need to Be Right: Not every disagreement needs to be won. Sometimes, peace is more valuable than proving a point.

The Power of Inner Freedom

As I practised these shifts, I realised something important: External circumstances have far less control over us than we think. We cannot always change the world around us, but we can change how we engage with it. Doing the inner work makes us less reactive and defensive, allowing us to find peace even in difficult situations. We stop needing the world to be perfect to feel okay.

Advice for Leaders

As leaders, we should model the behaviour we want to see in our teams. Here are some ways to foster a culture of self-reflection and accountability:

• Encourage Open Dialogue: Create an environment where team members feel safe to express their feelings and frustrations. Promote discussions that focus on understanding rather than blame.

• Lead by Example: Demonstrate self-awareness and vulnerability. Share your own experiences of growth and learning from challenges. This sets a powerful example for your team.

• Promote Self-Reflection: Encourage your team to reflect on their reactions. Ask guiding questions like, “What can we learn from this situation?” or “How can we respond differently next time?”

• Foster Emotional Intelligence: Invest in training that helps team members develop their emotional intelligence. Understanding their own triggers and those of others can lead to healthier interactions.

• Recognise Contributions: Acknowledge the role everyone plays in both successes and challenges. This reinforces the idea that we all share responsibility for creating a positive work culture.

So, the next time you find yourself blaming a situation, a person, or a system, take a moment to pause. Instead of just asking, “Why is this happening?” ask, “What is this teaching me?” This shift in perspective could change everything.