Winfrey, O., & Perry, B. (2021). What happened to you: Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Macmillan.

What Happened to You, by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry, explores the impact of trauma on individuals and society. The book emphasises understanding people’s behaviour through the lens of their past experiences, particularly traumatic ones. Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with you?” the authors encourage readers to consider “, What happened to you?” This shift in perspective fosters empathy and healing.

The book combines personal anecdotes, scientific insights, and practical advice, illustrating how trauma affects brain development and emotional regulation. It advocates for a compassionate approach to mental health and emphasises the importance of supportive relationships in overcoming trauma. It promotes healing and understanding for individuals and communities.

My Learnings from the Book

What Happened to You? resonates deeply with my experiences, illuminating how early childhood events shape our emotions and behaviours. Winfrey and Perry’s insights helped me recognise the complexities of love and connection in my own life.

Reflecting on my childhood as the youngest of eleven children, I often grappled with whether my arrival was a blessing or a challenge for my family. One of the biggest lessons from the book is that trauma doesn’t always have to be loud or violent. Sometimes, the quiet absence of nurturing leaves the deepest scars. This realisation allowed me to understand that my childhood experiences, marked by a lack of affection, were not merely hardships but significant influences on my emotional landscape. I’ve come to see that the feelings of unworthiness I developed stemmed from my early environment, where affection often felt scarce due to my mother’s overwhelming responsibilities.

I remember my childhood frustration, standing in my crib, craving attention. This longing sometimes led to self-harm, a behaviour I now realise was a manifestation of my isolation. I internalised the belief that love had to be earned, not freely given. Winfrey and Perry emphasise that the absence of nurturing can create emotional scars that linger into adulthood, and I can relate to this. Watching my nieces and nephews receive the affection I longed for only deepened my sense of emptiness.

The book taught me to look beyond the surface of my emotional struggles. I now understand that my relentless pursuit of success was a survival strategy rooted in the belief that excelling would finally earn me the love I craved. Yet, despite my achievements, I often felt like an observer in the lives of those around me, reinforcing my feelings of isolation.

As I moved into my late forties, the lessons from Winfrey and Perry became clearer. I realised that my drive for excellence reflected my fear of being unworthy of love. This revelation has been transformative, allowing me to confront my past and understand its impact on my identity. Embracing vulnerability has become a crucial part of my healing journey.

Acknowledging my past, I have reshaped my relationship with love and connection. I learned that true strength lies in vulnerability and seeking connections with others. Healing is possible when we understand the roots of our emotional struggles, and through this understanding, I slowly began to reclaim the love and connection that once seemed unattainable.

Ultimately, What Happened to You? taught me to see my childhood as a complex tapestry of experiences that shaped who I am today. My acceptance was a vital step in my healing process, enabling me to build a future filled with the connections I longed for. I am now embracing the idea that love is not something to earn but rather a gift that is freely given, and in this realisation, I have found a path forward.

Key Learnings from What Happened to You?

• Trauma can be subtle; the absence of nurturing can have lasting effects on emotional well-being.

• Early experiences shape our beliefs about love, connection, and self-worth.

• Feelings of unworthiness may stem from a lack of affection in childhood, not just overt neglect.

• Pursuits for validation and success can be survival strategies rooted in childhood experiences.

• Embracing vulnerability is essential for healing and building genuine connections.

• Viewing childhood experiences as a complex tapestry helps in understanding one’s identity.

• Recognising that love should be freely given rather than earned can transform relationships and self-perception.

• Understanding the roots of emotional struggles is a crucial step toward healing and personal growth.